A presidential candidate / Mark Twain -- Lecture tickets that were bought but never used / George Ade -- Ransom of Red Chief / O. Henry -- from Babbitt / Sinclair Lewis -- from Gentlemen prefer blondes / Anita Loos -- On conversation / Ring Lardner -- Imperial purple / H.L. Mencken -- More alarms at night / James Thurber -- Waltz / Dorothy Parker -- Farewell, my lovely appetizer / S.J. Perelman -- Simple prays a prayer / Langston Hughes -- Night the old nostalgia burned down / Frank Sullivan -- Across the street and into the grill / E.B. White -- House of mirth / Peter De Vries -- from The magic Christian / Terry Southern -- from How to talk dirty and influence people / Lenny Bruce -- Secret vice / Tom Wolfe -- Counterfeit secret circle member gets the message, or The asp strikes again -- Kentucky Derby is decadent and depraved / Hunter S. Thompson -- A look at organized crime / Woody Allen -- Tax man / Bruce Jay Friedman -- Letters to Einstein / Philip Roth --

A few words about breasts / Nora Ephron -- Our white heritage / Henry Beard, Michael O'Donoghue, George W.S. Trow -- Better read than dead: a revised opinion / Fran Lebowitz -- Your action line / Charles Portis -- In the morning post / Donald Barthleme -- Curb Carter policy discord effort threat / Veronica Geng -- Vacation '58 / John Hughes -- Laws of cartoon motion / Mark O'Donnell -- Tip-Top Club / Garrision Keillor -- Rolled in rare Bohemian onyx, then vulcanized by hand / Bruce McCall -- Tough as bob war and other stuff / Molly Ivins -- Corrections / Calvin Trillin -- Tips for women: how to have a relationships with a guy / Dave Barry -- Clinton deploys vowels to Bosnia / The Onion -- Shiftless little loafers / Susan Orlean -- Gothic baseball / Roy Blount Jr. -- If I were in charge of the networks / George Carlin -- Laws concerning foor and drink ; Household principles ; Lamentations of the father / Ian Frazier -- Writer's life / David Rakoff -- from I ain't scared of you / Bernie Mac -- Buddy, can you spare a tie? / David Sedaris -- It's so hard / Wanda Sykes --

What I'd say to the Martians / Jack Handey -- Your three wishes: F.A.Q. / David Owen -- Ask the optimist! / George Saunders -- Awake / Jenny Allen -- Pony problem / Sloane Crosley -- If not an apology, at least a "My bad" / Larry Wilmore.