One should never read a book on the toilet -- Beginnings, or, A beginning, or, How this book begins -- A portrait of the artist -- "Didn't work for me" -- Her laughter -- An angel of the Lord -- My education, or, The education of a me, or, I not dumb -- Louvre audio tour for homeowners -- Putting it out there -- My manifesto -- I think I just met God -- Politician's promise -- Hitler dinner party: a play -- My speech to the graduates of this fine institution-- What I'm looking for in another man -- Phil Spector I knew -- Meaningful poem -- Martin Luther King Jr.'s worst speech ever -- Free speech for all! -- A hazy Christmas memory -- Baseball players' poems about sportswriters and sportswriting -- Origin of "Blackbird" -- I misspoke -- I found a Jackson Pollock! -- Abs -- Shakespeare in the park -- What to do in case of fire -- Second meeting of Jesus and Lazarus -- Actual-factual new Jesus facts -- So you want to get a tattoo! -- A vision of the future -- Obit for the creator of Mad Libs -- That's quite enough of you, Odenkirk -- Other books by this author.