Furiously happy, dangerously sad -- I've found a kindred soul and he has a very healthy coat -- My phone is more fun to hang out with than me -- I have a sleep disorder and it's probably going to kill me or someone else -- How many carbs are in a foot? -- Pretend you're good at it -- George Washington's dildo -- I'm not psychotic. I just need to get in front of you in line. -- Why would I want to do more when I'm already doing so well at nothing? -- What I say to my shrink vs. what I mean -- LOOK AT THIS GIRAFFE -- The fear -- Skinterventions and Bangtox -- It's like your pants are bragging at me -- Nice bass -- It's hard to tell which of us is mentally ill -- I left my heart in San Francisco. (But replace "San Francisco" with "near the lemur house" and replace "heart" with a sad question mark.) -- Stock up on snow globes. The zombie apocalypse is coming. -- Appendix: an interview with the author -- I'm turning into a zombie one organ at a time -- Cats are selfish yawners and they're totally getting away with it -- Koalas are full of chlamydia -- Voodoo vagina -- The world needs to go on a diet. Literally. -- Crazy like a reverse fox -- An essay on parsley, wasabi, cream cheese, and soup -- And then I got three dead cats in the mail -- Things I may have accidentally said during uncomfortable silences -- My skeleton is potaterrific -- It's called "catouflage" -- We're better than Galileo, because he's dead. -- Things my father taught me -- I'm going to die. Eventually. -- And this is why I prefer to cut my own hair -- It's all in how you look at it (the book of Nelda) -- Well at least your nipples are covered -- Death by swans is not a glamorous as you'd expect -- The big quiz -- Cat lamination -- That baby was delicious -- These cookies know nothing of my work -- It might be easier. But it wouldn't be better. -- Epilogue: Deep in the trenches.