Reverse-indexing smug, saber-rattling shitheads, or how I became an anarchist -- Walking, we ask -- A people's history of professional dog walking -- Any port in a storm -- The drift -- Spoiler: dogs are assholes -- Keys: a user's manual -- Keys: a temple to Goldilocks -- Footnote one -- That question you're dying to ask -- Moses -- Moving targets -- Lube: it's not just for sex anymore -- Indicator species -- Even State Department staffers get the blues -- In which we all learn a valuable lesson about scheduling -- The Wyoming -- A few words on boarding -- Little deaths -- Spoiler: I definitely had sex in your house; or, dog walking at Christmastime -- The plan, pt. 1 (theirs) -- The plan, pt. 2 (ours) -- Pug life -- Omar -- Expiration dates -- Exit interview.