Introduction -- Fast forward -- Sweat equity -- You can't be vegan just for Ellen -- There is only one Betty White, or: Paper towels, a love story -- What it was like, part one -- Before my REI card: some thoughts on being single -- Labor days -- Judge not, lest ye be a judge on Project Runway: my life in fashion -- Someday, someday, maybe you'll believe my novel wasn't completely autobiographical -- Kitchen timer -- Parenthood is the best neighborhood -- Look up! A note from your friend Old Lady Jackson -- What it was like, part two.