Hello, slattern -- Getting dressed: how to properly hide your shame -- Bowels into buckets: nature is an obscene caller -- The treacherous art of bathing -- Menstruation: you're doing it wrong -- Diet: you're a little bag of pudding -- Beauty: scorch, slather. and stuff -- Courtship: not-talking your way into his heart -- The wedding night, or: A bad bit of bumbo -- Birth control and other affronts to God -- Being a good wife: how to avoid his eventual resentment for as long as possible -- Running a proper household: the gentle art of dictatorship -- Public behavior: avoiding scorn, dangers, and museums -- It's hysterical: the least funny thing about Victorian life -- The secret vice: "Where warts and tiny nipples come from" -- Conclusion: I miss pants.