First. I don't want to be dying in order to tell you these things -- Jobs. Fuck. This. List. -- Job description for the dumbest job ever -- Super Bowl of interruptions -- I am the one woman who has it all -- Undone -- Dear stay-at-home moms and working moms, you're both right -- Time-out. Just what I wanted, a whole twenty-four hours of recognition once a year -- "If Mama Ain't Happy, Ain't Nobody Happy": revised and expanded -- Vows. Tiny losses -- If you love your grandparents, go visit them -- Let's have the wedding later -- It's complicated -- Time-out. Your cute wedding hashtags twenty years later -- Kids, it's time you know the truth--your mother is a real piece of work -- Showdowns. Overshare -- Thank you for including me on this meal train but unfortunately I'm a horrible person -- Your participation trophies are bullshit -- September 17, 2010: the day I turned the car around -- Ghosts of Halloweens past -- Time-out. Radiohead song or accurate description of my parenting? -- Are you sure there isn't something else I can do before the end of the school year? -- Schools. Walls that define us -- Pro/con: caving to PTO bake sale pressure -- Punching season -- Please don't get murdered at school today -- I don't care if you go to college -- Time-out. What do yo think of my son's senior picture that was shot by Annie Leibovitz? -- Anne-Marie Slaughter is my safety word -- Bodies. Who does that? -- If you can touch it -- As young as we'll ever be -- Hot-ass chicks -- Ashes to ashes -- Time-out. Fifty-one things you should never say to a mother ever -- Is there a parenting expert on this plane? -- Freedoms. Do you have faith in me? -- Thirteen with dudes -- Just because you can, doesn't mean you should -- Last. -- You are all the joy -- When I die.