Welcome, unfit mother -- How do I prepare my sacred vestibule to best receive my husband's life-germ? : the ins and outs of a fruitful conception -- How much violence and lager should my fetus be exposed to as a means to ensure sturdy character? and other pregnancy tips -- If suffering in birth is ordained by god, may I bite a towel during delivery without offending him? : on the occasionally fatal privilege of childbirth -- My child will eat neither mush, mucilage, porridge, pablum, gruel, not loblolly. Is pickiness god's way of culling the herd? : on feeding children -- A study of technique regarding spanking, birching, caning, and whipping : a complete guide to disciplining your child -- How do I raise a menstruating daughter without causing brain damage, nerve failure, or general impudence? and other thoughts on education -- Your young son refuses to engage in fisticuffs or play games with greased livestock. Is it too late to prevent his inevitable homosexuality? : on turning boys into men -- How may I distinguish healthful amusements my child might engage in from those that are Satan disguised in the raiment of light and joy? : on appropriate recreations for children -- How many leeches should be applied to a broken bone and what weapons serve me best in the valiant struggle against rectal worms? : on maintaining general health -- The successful mother: are you she?