Introduction: What are you doing here? -- First, a little story -- Should you keep reading this book? -- How to be interviewed -- Classic interview rules, plus one more -- How to talk to a recruiter -- How to enter a room -- How to have a first day on the job -- Ways in which you must screw up early on: a handy checklist -- What to say when someone asks for your take on the oeuvre of Werner Herzog at dinner with your brand-new colleagues and you don't know who Werner Herzog is -- The importance of sucking at a new job for a year or two -- How to smile -- How to shut up -- Things you should never say in a professional setting -- How to have a meaningful lunch in a fancy restaurant full of important people -- A few more rules for the business lunch -- How to make small talk -- A list of small-talk topics for people who hate small talk -- How to have a short but meaningful conversation in an elevator -- How to pitch something -- A few words on passion -- How to shake a hand (feat. Kanye West) -- How to be late -- How to be on time, for Chrissakes -- How to find a good bar to drink in after work -- How to find work while drinking -- How to begin a work thing -- How to end a work thing -- Should you be dancing at this work thing? -- How to give a toast -- Things you should never say while giving a toast -- How to give a speech when you're terrified of giving a speech -- Things you should never say during a speech -- How to give a speech when you have just taken one to many Xanax -- How to talk to "important" people -- How to think about clothes -- Style rules for work that you hear all the time, plus one you never do -- Sprezzatura! -- An imposter's garden of mantras -- A few words about collaboration -- A few words about credit -- How to email -- A few more rules for emailing -- Why strident postures on social media are, at the end of the day, probably a bad idea, especially if you're looking for a job -- How to intimidate people -- On assholery -- Are you an asshole? -- The case for profanity -- How to work with someone who clearly resents you and is threatened by you and would prefer that you weren't around -- "Two bears and a puppy": a helpful test for determining how you feel about someone -- The score -- How to forget about that thing that happened that one time that you still wince about -- Why you should always be an outsider -- Afterword: How to write a book in which you do nothing but tell strangers what to do -- Appendix 1: A reading list: self-help books that are not "self-help" books -- Appendix 2: How to pronounce the names of scotches -- Appendix 3: Rules I never got to -- Appendix 4: Key measures and equivalents.