Overture and beginners -- Perseus & co. -- Some enchanted ruin -- Auntie Vi -- A whiter shade of something that didn't taste very nice in the first place -- "Mr Lloyd Webber, do you like cats?" -- Enter Timothy Miles Bindon Rice -- Teenage operas, pop cantatas -- Elvis with mellotron and tambourines -- Any dream won't do -- "Did Judas Iscariot have God on his side?" -- Love changes everything, but... -- JCS meets RSO -- Jesus goes to Broadway -- A bad case of the Edward Woodwards -- Suddenly there's a valet -- Syd -- Driverless juggernauts hurtling down a hill -- Eva and Juan -- The long hot summer and the sound of a Paraguayan harp -- The song that cleared the dance floors -- Imogen and Niccolò -- Variations -- Really useful -- Tell me on a Sunday -- "This artfully produced monument to human indecency" -- Shaddap and take that look off your face -- Mr Mackintosh -- "All the characters must be cats" -- Growltiger's last stand -- Body stockings, leg warmers and meat cleavers -- Song and dance, and sleep -- "The most obnoxious form of 'music' ever invented" -- Miss Sarah Brightman -- "Brrrohahaha!!!" -- Requiem -- Epiphany -- "Big change from book" -- Year of the phantom -- In another part of the West End forest... -- Mr Crawford -- "Let your soul take you where you want to be!" -- Playout music.