Prologue -- Week one: unto me a child is given -- If it's not one thing, it's your mother -- Just tinking -- Channeling food -- China sweeney -- Strong and beautiful -- Letters from camp -- Week two: independence -- Three Chinese nannies -- Arden -- Big strollers are bad -- Three boyfriends and reflections on a high school crush -- The birds and the bees -- A fan letter -- Sphexy -- Week three: death -- The decline and fall of practically everybody -- Starter gods -- Pussy -- Baby on board -- The color of skin -- Phone bill -- Week four: dependene -- My nemesis -- A proposal at Starbucks -- An education -- Hinky dink is sinking -- Tomorrow they arrive.