Announcements -- Hotline -- Megaphone -- Ideas & opinions -- Robot test -- Genie -- New Year's party -- How I felt -- Socrates's publicist -- Statistics -- Bee javascript:location.href='http://connexion.oclc.org'sting -- Who I am -- Bugle virtuoso -- Some drawings -- Dad -- Titles -- My band -- Palindromes for specific occasions -- Cat calendar -- Optimist, pessimist, contortionist -- We're pregnant -- Protagonists' hospital -- Rain -- Honors & awards (for which I would qualify) -- Better than sex -- Short stories -- Frustrating uses of etc. -- Charts & graphs -- My diet -- Fortune cookies -- A Christmas carol (the deleted scene) -- WED -- Fruit vendor (diary excerpts) -- Pets (a conversation) -- A cappella group freak accidents -- My checks -- A crossword puzzle -- Sheila -- Products -- A picture (1,000 words) -- Epigrams, fragments & light verse -- One phone call -- More drawings -- My powers -- Human cannonball occupational hazards -- Eulogy -- Flags -- Painted faces -- Some meanings -- Goreburg and Spatz -- Confessions of a white guy with dreadlocks -- Spanish teacher -- Zing! -- Results of your personality test -- More statistics -- Excerpts from my often-true autobiography -- The word awards -- Goodbyes.